When I was a teen, I was not in the popular clique. I was one of those girls who wanted to be a part of their world, and I wanted to be like them, instead I was this socially awkward girl who had always just “known” she was different. I was the fourth square in the famed Sesame Street four-square skit “one of these things is not like the other”. And they were all well aware of it. They had a lot of different names for me, but the ones that really carried with me were those that pertained to my size, “Elephant, Hippo, etc.”. It is not a shocking thing to say that I developed a certain perception of the image I saw in the mirror each morning. Hearing myself called by those names often enough, I began to believe I truly was disproportionately oversized.
As an adult, I look at photos taken of me in that era. I look amazing. I don’t look like a side show attraction, I looked healthy, slim with some cushioned curves. Overweight is not the term I would use looking at the girl in those photos. My social environment was certainly the cause of my body dysmorphia at the time.
Wait…what? Did I say “Body Dysmorphia”? Had I suffered from a disorder and sudden became cured as I grew older? The simple answer is “sort of”. Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a true disease that many suffer from. People who suffer from this are preoccupied with something about their physical appearance they perceive as a flaw, even when that ‘flaw’ is not observable to others.
Signs of body dysmorphic disorder include:
- Repetitive behaviors, such as compulsive grooming or constantly checking the mirror.
- Seeking frequent reassurance from other people about appearance.
- Constant stream of anxiety stemming from thoughts about size and appearance.
I didn’t have any of the repetitve behaviors, I certainly didn’t want reassurance from others about my appearance because I feared they would confirm my fears, and I didn’t have anxiety about it. What I did have was a horrible misconception of what I truly looked like. I cannot tell you there was a magic cure because I fear I may still suffer somewhat from it.
Let me explain. My teen years are long behind me. I’ve worked my way through my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s with both weight loss and gain as I navigated the churning waters of my self-worth and learned to love myself. Life threw a lot of curve balls my way and somehow, I survived and hit my 50’s. I found myself here, being classified as “obese” on the doctor’s charts. The word “obese” is like being called names by those popular girls. Hurtful and damaging to the self-esteem. My mirror showed a woman who was not worthy to speak to. I’d forget though, when I was out in public. I would talk to people and walk with confidence and laugh as if I was actually one of them. And then I would see my reflection in a window, and I would remember.
Let’s fast forward to this past year. I put myself on a health journey and my body has most definitely changed. I can physically feel the difference, I can see the difference in the mirror and I absolutely know that I am not a freak. Does this mean I am cured of the body dysmorphia? I wish it did. My self-confidence is better than it has been in decades, but something else is going on now and I need to learn how to navigate it. I don’t understand what size I am.
That sounds funny, right? I was a size 24w-26w for a very long time. Purchasing clothes was easy knowing what size to search for, knowing I couldn’t sit in a restaurant booth because I wouldn’t be able to breathe, understanding that I couldn’t ride on a lot of amusement rides or that stadium seats would be uncomfortable. When you are big, you accept things and you learn to navigate in the world with this acceptance.
I lost weight, but I’ve forgotten how to navigate in a world where I am not “obese”. When I purchase clothes, I make a lot of mistakes and end up with things that are too big. I hesitate when I am offered a booth at a restaurant, and when I glance at my reflection in a window, I am constantly surprised by what I see. That isn’t me. I don’t know that woman like I knew who I was before. I immediately look for a flaw to focus on, because the flaw is like a warm blanket, comforting to me in this world where I must re-learn how to navigate.
There are a lot of things people just never talk about when it comes to weight loss and I think its important that we do talk about it. It might feel insignificant, especially after years of the struggle just to find clothes large enough to fit, yet this is still a thing you must deal with. I know I cannot be the only one who struggles with this.
Another goal for my next leg of the journey – adjust my view in the mirror so my perception and view are a closer match!
MY ADIPOSE & ME 
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