Tag: writing

Posted in Emotional Well-Being, intermittent-fasting

I am my own Enemy

Posted on by HeatherLynn

Does Fasting Work?   That’s the one question I am asked frequently.  My answer… its the ONLY thing that has worked for me.   I have tried many variations of fad diets, portion control and calorie counting, and it all ended with me being frustrated.  Honestly, even the Intermittent Fasting brought me to the point of frustration, and I had to sit down and have a hard look at things. 

All my life I have identified as the “fat girl”, the “chubby woman”, the girl with love handles and jiggly thighs.   That’s who I know and that is who society knows.  I am accustomed to a certain way of deference from others… subtle judging glances as I fill my grocery cart,  not so subtle stares as I chuff by in my shorts that insist on riding up the inside of my thighs forcing me to do the awkward pull and leg shake to fix the problem.  I admit, I am most likely only imagining most of this, people are very self-absorbed and have no interest in those around them while in public.   However, being out there, I have always been very aware of how large I am.    It’s like the times I’ve gone in the woman’s section to look at clothes and I just “knew” the women there were asking themselves why I thought I was going to find anything at all that would fit me in that section.  I was up here in the first class, and I needed to get my rotund butt back over to lower-class where the sold the clothes by square foot.   

I dropped 80lbs.  People were smiling more at me.   I was getting appreciative looks and direct eye-contact.    My cart had fresh veggies and fruits in it and not a single item of junk food or sugar.   I was still very aware of being out there, but now it felt amazing!  I was lighter and moving quicker and it was like being on a sort of natural high.    I was actually achieving a goal I had only dreamed of for decades!  

Then the self-saboteur came knocking.    She looks like me, the “old” me.   She told me things like, “Its cool to back off on the fasting a bit now, you got this” and she would look at the clock and shrug, “two scoops of ice cream at 9 pm isn’t going to kill you”.    I was oblivious to her tactics, I still felt good, although I admit my energy wasn’t quite the same.  Then I was watching more tv and finding excuses to sit down rather than get up and move around.    My weight loss stopped.   It went beyond a plateau, it came to a screeching halt, tires squealing.    I gave half-hearted attempts to return to my patterns but my “get up and go” was gone.     Jumping into the mix came a back injury, an excuse not to move much, but also a discovery that when i am in severe pain, I EAT.    

I wasn’t gaining, but I wasn’t losing.   Ten months down the road and I hurt my shoulder.  More pain and realization that things are not going my way at all.   This time I sat down and had a chat with my doctor.   It was obvious that I had lost my motivation and in our discussion we both agreed that I had sabotaged myself.    The question is WHY???   I don’t have the full answer, not yet.   I’m still working on that part.   I think part of it is that I suddenly didn’t know my part anymore.   After decades of being the “fat girl” , I wasn’ t her any longer and it threw me for a curve.    That’s something I’ll need to work on. 

In the meantime,  I am back on track with my Intermittent Fasting.   My doctor visit was the motivation I needed to get me back.   I don’t want to go back to where I was.  The only option is to pick myself up and keep moving forward.  

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Posted in Emotional Well-Being, Encouragement/Motivation

TABLETOP-PLATEAU

Posted on by HeatherLynn

Plateaus are a part of the journey.   Plateaus are expected, but they should not last any major length of time, after all, they would be called something much more discerning if they were expected to be lengthy.     

I climbed up on a table-top plateau back in September.    I then leapt over to another table-top, and another and another. It became just an endless row of tabletops with a few low hills but no major hikes or drops in elevation.    Of that, I should be grateful, I haven’t been climbing, but the frustration of not dropping can be daunting. 

What happened?   Body changes?  Environment?   Psychological?    Perhaps all of that.    I got in my own head and lost my motivation.  Not completely, but it’s certainly not where it was a year ago and that is the key to the lack of my recent success.   

I can give excuses.  Justification is a skill I honed years ago while shoveling piles of unhealthy foods into my mouth and claiming one thing or another was the cause of my woes.   The only one I would be fooling is myself, and not very well.     

I know I am to blame.   I start each morning focused.   I do well UNLESS I am not active.   If I am moving around cleaning, doing chores, tending to my flock of birds or simply just walking, I am fine.   A bottle of water or a cup of hot coffee is all that I seem to need.   However, I do not have the type of career that is considered active, and I find myself looking at a computer screen early in the day.   Within the first hour, my stomach growls and I successfully ignore it for about two hours and then I give in.   Because I am weak.   No, that’s just an excuse.   The reason is because I was weak before I ever arrived at work.   I either tossed a bag of grapes into my work bag or I stopped purposely to grab a fruit cup from the local convenience store on my way in.  

So, what really happened?   I happened.   I started feeling really good about what I looked like, and I stumbled.  I let up on myself and quit being so disciplined.  I treated myself one too many times, gave myself a “break” too often and now here I am.   I feel the pressure from myself to keep trying.  I’m not at the goal I’ve set and until I reach that goal, I have to keep pushing.    

My eating habits are a little skewed right now.   I have been portioning out too much, indulging in the starches and giving in to the sweet tooth.   Talk about the three major roadblocks on getting off the table!   Now that the weather is beginning to move to the warmer side of things. Well, at least some days of the week it is.   I’ll be outside more, which means I’ll be more active.   The days are getting longer which means I’ll be finding things to do to keep busy.   Sitting on the couch when its still daylight feels “lazy” to me and I can’t do lazy.   Not if I want to reach my goal.      

Motivational Plan for the week:   

BE MINDFUL OF MY MEALS 

BE ACTIVE IN THE DAYLIGHT 

DRINK MORE WATER 

I think those are three achievable goals for my week.   I think I need to write down every time I use an excuse for deviating from the plan and what the excuse is.   I find journaling a difficult task because you must be honest and writing it down makes it very real.    

Fourth step for the week:  Journal your Justifications.  

To all on this journey, it’s important to know that with the success also comes the roadblocks, the things that make you want to fall back into the old habits.   You’ve come too far to fall back into the old habits. Stay strong and know that you are amazing, and you have the power to get through!